how long have i not written in my paper diary.

some “friends” made me thoroughly disappointed. aww this could just be a torrent of confused emotions breaking through the levee but i still am quite sad. am trying to perceive it as objectively as possible but i still failed to control my sadness.

have had a queer encounter recently that left me with more impact than i could imagine. hopefully my emotions will pass and never arise again. btw this has got nothing to do with the “friends” incident.

sorry for the lack of detailed explanation. everything’s turning too ugly, beyond description, beyond recognition.

is it them, or is it just me? “all suffering begins from the mind” i am so sorry for the weakness of my mind to perceive things as they are. i have too much to learn.

i am highly tempted to retreat into my shell and never open up to anyone again, because it is just so hard to trust.

i know this is all temporary, but i do feel rather grey now.

through my camera phone

Project Million Lotus posters all packed in envelopes, ready for the post office! i think there were more than 500 envelopes in all. Went to the post office with the kindly Yamada-san, a full-time volunteer at KMS who comes everyday, rain or shine.

strawberry sundae at some sabo shop, marina square. was an opulent meal. i sinned. partner-in-crime was brabra. rather strange phenomenon; marina square was not very crowded on a sunday. btw i quite like the shopping there. quite a good mix.

Third world conditions in a “gracious society, ready to be first world in 10 years time”. (pardon me if i remembered the stats wrongly) this is the bus stop outside white sands primary school.

on the outer walls of white sands primary.

must take pity on people lah. cry whole night, used up a lot of tissue paper. cry until very hungry, must eat oreo!

sob, see how many tissues they need! poor things!

one bad seed has ripened!

one of my (many) bad karmic seeds ripened this morning. it made me bitter and vengeful the whole day. was struggling to contain my anger so it wouldnt affect others.

i didnt really realise i was feeling so vengeful until later in the day. i thought about the incident every time i was left alone, and conjured up (pointless) refutations in my head. i so wanted justice.

and then, while i was washing my hands in the washroom a fleeting thought crossed my mind. that guy, like everyone else, wants happiness. i could perhaps put myself in his shoes.
i had been right, not to give in (paradoxically) and argue with him.  it won’t be very constructive. (actually, i did say one sentence to defend myself but he didnt really bother to acknowledge it so why waste my breath) so i kept silent.

rather than sow more seeds of enmity between he and I, i should forgive him and perceive him with no preconception. after all, my feelings of indignation arose all out of pride and ego.   (that’s what i know i should do, but actually doing it is.. hmm… another thing altogether.) and then, i remembered that such bad experiences do not arise out of nothing. there’s always a cause. where and when i sowed a bad karmic seed, i do not know. it doesnt help to know. but it helps that i do not sow more. i held back.

hopefully, we wont be caught in a vicious cycle. i have seen how stifling it can be to work in a tense environment.

i had very much wanted to tell other people (colleagues, family) about this “terrible guy who ruined my day.” but no, it seems that feelings of enmity dont cease but increase more when i rant about it to others. and it’s going to ruin others’ impression of him. 人言可畏啊！make or break, it’s all in our hands.

hmm and now i suddenly realise, i should be thankful to this guy. he reminded me of how attached i am to my pride. his actions made me reflect on the dharma. he reminded me to be more mindful of my emotions. there’s no better teacher than “terrible people who ruin my day”!

i am going to pay 150% attention to my emotions tomorrow.  see how it goes. will i be able to let go of my negative feelings?

i might be a superhuman

i will be a superhuman if i survive this:

Monday: 8.30 to 6 internship, 7.30 to 9 tuition

Tuesday:8.30 to 4 internship, 5.30 to 7 tuition

Wednesday: 8.3o to infinity pm internship

Thursday: 8.30 to 3 pm internship, 4.30 to 6 tuition

Friday: 8.30 to 6.30 internship, 7.30 to 9.30 course

Sat: evaporate from earth due to lack of human energies/ go KMS again

Sun: come back to earth, 11 to 1 tuition

pls note that this hellish schedule will recycle itself for one whole month.

i must be on my way to another Guiness world record, after the “Most number of bruises after a cycling lesson” one.

Rabbit

is this karma at work?

sigh

On virginia tech shootings, from the Washington Post:

He used his driver’s license as identification and had no problem buying the guns because he was complying with Virginia law, which permits the purchase of one gun a month, investigators said.

身边的天使

老爸（又再）出国，为了省电我和老妈一起睡。 本以为会很不习惯，因为我尝试过跟他一起睡午觉，可是睡不着，要一个人才行。

所以， 一向来都是妹妹陪她睡的。

长这么大了，偶尔和妈妈同床睡，感觉是很微妙的。

有时候，只有在最近的距离才能看到妈妈的苍老和一天天的衰弱。

别误会，她没病。 可我看到了她的累。几十年了，又工作又要打理家务事， 当女人不容易啊。

男人养家，下班了大可以了无牵挂，坦荡荡出去会猪朋觅狗友。像我老爸一样，每周总有几天不回家吃饭。不是加班，是“有人请我吃饭”。老妈说： “你不如不要回家吃饭好了。每天都出去吃啦。”

大鱼大肉的，再美味到头来都是味精作祟， 哪像老妈煮的菜，菜的美味都是一点一点的爱心酝酿而成的。

每天都看老妈她在忙碌着。可我不是每天都如此深切的感恩。她的青春都被我们一点一点的掠夺了，可是她无怨无悔。 还是付出，只有付出。

打到这里，我的眼眶有点湿了。近来，脑海中偶尔会浮现老爸/老妈离我而去的画面。 只是很快的闪过，我便逼自己把那种不祥的想象放下。事后又想想。。 这个画面迟早会实现，人生无常嘛。可是这画面带给我的悲伤和孤独感，大得吓人。 光是想，就令我的心凉了一大半。

所以，一直告诉自己要把握时间和机会报答父母的养育之恩。每一分每一秒都不能忘， 因为谁都不晓得，他们会在那一分哪一秒离我而去。

这个周末你要去哪里？不要再往外跑了。留在家里陪陪一直都在等你、守护着你的妈妈吧。

sweet smell of rain

It’s a rainy Monday afternoon. The rain smells sweet.

I miss reading newspapers for hours on end without hearing the nag of “real” work every single bleeding second.

I miss watching TV with my mum for hours on end without feeling tired, drained and guilty.

I miss myself standing on the balcony just to savour the sweetness of the rain.

I miss the times where I could relinquish my outside duties completely once I return to my sanctuary at home.

I miss doing work for KMS, where I almost always derive a great sense of satisfaction and joy.

I am starting to resent my studies, my grades’ reluctance to improve, and the stagnancy of my project.

2 days left, and I hope I will confront the next moment feeling a bit better than the last.

It’s ok if you dont know what Im talking about; cos i dont really know too.

i feel really blessed to have such a supportive and fun family. they never fail to make me laugh and smile and feel safe and happy.

but that makes me feel guilty for not living up to their expectations.

有去台北的冲动。

柳暗花明

今早起床的心情是可怕的：是恐惧焦急和极度厌恶。

因为明天就是交功课的“死期”了。 （it’s not called deadline for nothing eh?)

昨晚3点才睡，今天在起床时感觉好想死。起来摇两下，又瘫回去睡。 反复重复这动作3 次。欲哭无泪啊！

谁知道， 竟收到一个报喜的简讯：“deadline is extended to april 18!”

我的皇天菩萨！！

此时此刻的我，没有比须要这个礼物更大的需要了。 感激。

很奇怪，所有不顺心的事都爱在同个时候向我招手。

无线网不能上， 家里两老又莫名奇妙的催我“要快快搞定!” （真是皇帝不急太监急）

哎，要安慰自己。我这种小状况跟世上其他人的苦难比起来，是鸡毛蒜皮。

此时此刻的我， 发现自己原来多么需要陈绮贞的音乐。

不相信什么天使和神，可是她的歌声， 好象天使。

好了，让我为这个“飞来横福” 好好打拼。

P.S.: 大家请试着听听看陈绮贞的音乐吧，可能是你从没听过的美丽。Cheer Chen’s compilation CD could be bought at Sembawang music (i got it at PS) for $12.90. Underrated, underpriced.