one of my (many) bad karmic seeds ripened this morning. it made me bitter and vengeful the whole day. was struggling to contain my anger so it wouldnt affect others.
i didnt really realise i was feeling so vengeful until later in the day. i thought about the incident every time i was left alone, and conjured up (pointless) refutations in my head. i so wanted justice.
and then, while i was washing my hands in the washroom a fleeting thought crossed my mind. that guy, like everyone else, wants happiness. i could perhaps put myself in his shoes.
i had been right, not to give in (paradoxically) and argue with him. it won’t be very constructive. (actually, i did say one sentence to defend myself but he didnt really bother to acknowledge it so why waste my breath) so i kept silent.
rather than sow more seeds of enmity between he and I, i should forgive him and perceive him with no preconception. after all, my feelings of indignation arose all out of pride and ego. (that’s what i know i should do, but actually doing it is.. hmm… another thing altogether.) and then, i remembered that such bad experiences do not arise out of nothing. there’s always a cause. where and when i sowed a bad karmic seed, i do not know. it doesnt help to know. but it helps that i do not sow more. i held back.
hopefully, we wont be caught in a vicious cycle. i have seen how stifling it can be to work in a tense environment.
i had very much wanted to tell other people (colleagues, family) about this “terrible guy who ruined my day.” but no, it seems that feelings of enmity dont cease but increase more when i rant about it to others. and it’s going to ruin others’ impression of him. 人言可畏啊！make or break, it’s all in our hands.
hmm and now i suddenly realise, i should be thankful to this guy. he reminded me of how attached i am to my pride. his actions made me reflect on the dharma. he reminded me to be more mindful of my emotions. there’s no better teacher than “terrible people who ruin my day”!
i am going to pay 150% attention to my emotions tomorrow. see how it goes. will i be able to let go of my negative feelings?