etc

my tuition kid gave me a hard time today. i get that experience most prolly due to many conditions:

  1. my PMS
  2. his exam stress
  3. my work stress
  4. my non-existent fragile attachment to this job

exams tomoro, but he refused to cooperate. i said things like “im very busy now you know. i can just stop coming. if you dont want to pay attention why should i continue teaching you?”

he was repentant/hurt/sad, on the brink of tears. i was losing patience. and i dont care much about keeping this job anyway, since i cant cope; what with my internship and 2 other tuition kids.

it was really intense. i was pricked by some things he said. he was pricked by things i said too. i told his mum i cant continue this, with my punishing schedule and his reluctance to cooperate. luckily she was really nice.

and while i was meditating after i got home (high blood pressure lah, must cool down), he called me and said he was “sorrwy” he “said the wrong things….”

aww. and meditation really helped calm me down. luckily it did, or else i may end up saying things to hurt him again over the phone.

it can get quite difficult to extricate myself from situations like this, when ive already devoted much time and effort and emotions to fellow humans.

and it sucks like this. i cant bring myself to abandon him. yet the situation really calls for me to abandon stuff. let go of certain commitments. i feel bad. but i know i cant go on piling duties on myself when my battery strength remains the same.

i feel quite bad, too, for being harsh to him. i didnt say sorry. but i wished him good luck for exams and asked him to work hard. i wish i could communicate with kids better, not like the parents in Cheong Suk Wai’s sunday times column. i love her column.

the kid’s really a 30 yr old stuck in a 9 year old body. and i realise i cant really communicate with him, unlike my other kid. he’s a kid-kid, not kid-adult. he says funny and innocent things to make me laugh out loud. he worries about not catching his tv show.

the other guy says morbid and dark stuff to make me worry. he speaks truths with his puckered-up lips, brows furrowed. truths that remind me of the real adult world outside, not the sanctuary of the nursery we are in. he says stuff like “you come here for the money only what!” that really got me.

it’s half true, anyway.

hooper and kingshaw.

whatever it is, i just wish the little guy’s unhappiness and its causes would be alleviated and ultimately cleared. i dont want to see him so unhappy, yet add on to his suffering. i dont know, but it’s painful. maybe im worrying too much. but all kids should just be allowed to be kids. i need to ask laolao how to make him interested in studying.

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One comment on “etc

  1. che说道:

    gosh….

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