Noble Silence

這幾天不到23不睡覺。朋友都說我看起來很累,黑眼圈也是史無前例的。眼看還有兩天我就能脫離苦海了,滿腦子都是玩樂:該找誰打籃球;找誰打保齡球;找誰喝咖啡聊天;找誰看電影。短短兩個星期就買了3CD 我豈是一個 ‘玩物喪志’能形容!

其實啊,我越來越不覺得自己有資格那麽享受人生。我奔波、勞累,有什麽了不起?身邊每一個人都在爲生活而忙,豈止是我而已。

前兩天,真的很瞧不起自己。我好醜陋啊,對很多人說了很多不該說的話。討厭自己總是口無遮攔,禍從口出。不管是有心還是無意,話説了就收不回來。The damage is done. (最最可笑的是,自己還正義凜然地叫別人不要亂説話;諷刺至極)

我要改!!!! 幫幫我吧!我迫切需要身邊朋友的提點。

Little lambie

(I’m just putting this down lest the magical moment gets bleached and forgotten as the days pass me by.)

Today, I caught the attention of a doe-eyed little girl with curly brown hair while waiting for the train to come at Lavender MRT. (probably because I was smiling a little too sweetly at her)

I continued smiling intently, saying nothing, for fear of scaring the little lambie (yes she looks like a lamb!!) with my now-very-manly voice. The little darling smiled back at me. We smiled at each other for three seconds until she couldn’t take it anymore. The angel threw her arms up in a “What?? I don’t understand!” way and gave me the cutest smile on earth. Aww…

I think people who don’t like kids will find my entry very pointless.

Lemons

What my simple needs are:

  • 溏心风暴 marathon
  • the liberty to watch Beijing Olympics and read newspapers as and when I feel like it
  • 8 hours of sleep everyday
  • crash NTU (more specifically, visit LGH and Linda)
  • play basketball (arcade one also can)
  • a massage?

What life throws me:

  • failing kidneys (I swear I can feel them ache… maybe i should write my will soon)
  • a sore throat (yes, the sort that chooses the best time to itch and sends me into coughing fits that seem to last forever. If i’m not eating/sleeping, I’d be sucking a lozenge. I think my teeth will all corrode prematurely from all that acid/whatever)
  • a research paper to co-write by this Sat
  • to co-present said paper at the Buddhist Youth Conference this Sat
  • a mountain of readings
  • lessons everyday
  • The Cursed Drudgery That Will Kill Me Before I Can Say ‘Bloody’ aka freelance PR work (I don’t mean to sound dodgy but I’m not allowed to disclose what I do exactly. It’s shitty work and I’m so glad to have tendered my resignation. Two more weeks before I’m officially free!)

Tell me how to make lemonade with such lemons, lah.

With nary a thought, I bought two albums today: Tanya Chua’s Goodbye and Hello and Kit Chan’s 再爱一回, a compilation album of her classics. I knew very well this outburst of retail therapy is a manifestation of my desire to get in touch with my hedonistic side and I really couldn’t see why I should suppress such a desire, since I so gawddamn deserve a reward for all the work I’ve been made to do doing.

I’d just like to say that I had this warm and fuzzy feeling inside me today, thanks to some wonderful friends. *flutters wings*

I felt so lousy and wretched after my rotten exam. And I didn’t know I had to attach my drafts with my research proposal!!! Felt so wretched I could die.

But my spirits were lifted up, up, into the sky after I received messages of concern from my dear fwens. 🙂 Thank you thank you thank you for making me feel so much better!! What did I do to deserve such wonderful friends?? and family?!

Had a rather productive agonize-over-research-paper session with Jasper too. Went home for 溏心风暴 marathon after that. WAY TO GO, FIRST MOM!

Only thing bugging me now is freelance PR work. I managed to get a discount for my workload. My lucky stars are shining.

Happy 21st Birthday in advance, Linda!

生日快乐!要天天开心,ok?  我好庆幸有你这个朋友。

hoho.. i am super proud of this page! made this guestbook for Linda but it didn’t get to serve its purpose. Ended up as a source of entertainment instead:

看不到文字?

囚:小Khai子
罪:(一) bad fashion sense
(二) 跟小suan子传情侣装
外加一条(三) 跟小suan子放电!
刑: 斩!!

Thank you Mandy for helping me make the guestbook!

哇,好多久违的中二同学。很开心还能跟他们一起闹。 (其实,是我被他们闹)

I know the world’s so big and I’m so small…

but i really wish to rant (aka magnify my minuscule, insignificant problems 1000 times even when I know this is a waste of whatever little time i have left):

  1. It’s so tiring having to console others and give them advice when I need help myself. I feel like I’m imposing on others if I whine to them. And I dont give good advice at all…. my life experience is too shallow. I am 泥菩萨过江,自身难保!! I might appear mature/independent/strong, but i am not infallible okay! I have my vulnerable side too.. *sob*
  2. 有谁能够聆听 + 听懂我的烦恼呢? 我是不是应该把烦恼一并深埋在心,让它自生自灭就好。这样,谁都不会被打扰。。。 我外表坚强,可是偶尔也需要一个能依靠的肩膀,让我停下来靠靠。
  3. Is there a need to keep secrets for those who trivialise yours? My friends dished them out like party bonbons (at a party, no less) and I felt I should be angry at them, even though the “secret” was really something they constructed out of nothing. I still am keeping secrets and giving free counselling to them at the point of writing this. (I really should charge friends who seek advice from me! It should be quite lucrative.) They said sorry but what’s the use? Am I being oversensitive?
  4. I HAVE AN EXAM PLUS ASSIGNMENT DEADLINE ON SATURDAY BUT I HAVE HARDLY STARTED WORK. What was I doing for the past few weeks?! I am bledy, bledy screwed……

[EDIT] In order to balance out this post of bad vibes, a list of things I’m grateful for:

  1. my 孩子缘。 A cute little girl saw a balloon lying around at Pasir Ris interchange and she picked it up to give me! She must’ve thought it was mine. Aww so cute. And my neighbour’s kid suddenly seemed friendlier to me on that same day.
  2. wonderful friends like Linda. LOVE YOU TO BITS! Hope you enjoyed your birthday party! I enjoyed myself, save for the kenna teased bit, bleh. Hope you like the guestbook we did!
  3. Dicky and Wa.. thanks for remembering me while you were in the U.S.! I’ll try to use your *ahem* presents…..

我永遠無法忘記這趟旅程

I’m back from Surabaya, where the Asia Pacific Interfaith Youth Camp was held! Thanks to all the inspiring people I met there, I’m filled with renewed motivation to speak up for causes I believe in.

I also hiked up a mountain in four hours at night without any gear – the greatest achievement of my life thus far! Sustained minor cuts and slipped many times.. but I still came back in one piece! We prayed in the ways of our different faiths before setting off… and I’m so glad we did- because nobody was hurt in a big way. I’m so grateful to all who pushed and pulled me along the way. If not for them, I would have lost the will to continue.

The beautiful sunrise that was worth the climb and the freezing cold wait.

I feel so powerless yet awed in the face of nature. Love trees! During my hike I was reminded once again that the world is so vast and human beings are so small. What are our problems compared to that of the world’s? Sometimes we forget this when we get too caught up in the nitty gritty.

This is Pak Hidayat, my homestay host. I came empty handed but he gave me a carton of keropok to bring home!! Bought me durian some more! He’s responsible for the city’s environmental cleanliness, with 900 staff under his charge. He told me he works 24 hours a day. It’s probably true, because I think Surabaya is really clean compared to many other southeast asian cities!

The Indonesians are really warm and sincere.. I feel so overwhelmed. Quite sadly, though, I get the feeling that this camp probably does not mean a lot to MCYS… because we were not briefed at all prior to the camp- no official guidelines (so typical but strangely forgotten), no protocol; nothing. As a first-timer to such regional events, I went there really ill prepared. Other delegates were handing out name cards (some handmade even!) and little souvenirs from their countries! So embarrassing.

See what I mean? The Thai delegates looking so royal in their traditional finery:

They practiced their dance items before the trip, okay!! It just goes to show how much importance their country attaches to this event… They even sent an observer from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs! Us Singaporeans were bleached white in comparison: no costume, no performance, nothing to show. We did try brainstorming, but singing National Day songs was just weird and corny. I guess young Singapore’s common heritage and identity is still not distinct enough. Will it come through more strongly with time? What’s our national costume, by the way? Orchid prints?

We felt rather lost, unable to grasp or define a national identity. But it’s important not to be cynical. Bitterness doesn’t help things. This is the first time I really feel the need to reflect upon our national identity… I also felt a little more patriotic. Timely, huh?

Aww the organisers! They’ve been so very kind and warm to us… Can’t thank them enough for taking such good care of us!

Happy Tree Friends, quite literally- at Mojokoto, Pacet, a hilly village with superb cooling climate…. My homestay hosts couldn’t speak a word of English, but we felt their warmth all the same. I felt so bad for eating two free meals at their spartan home. I hope they’re given some form of compensation!

More photos here

Facebook group here

Our declaration here