I wrote postcards to all my good friends, thanking them for what they’ve given me. And my mind just didn’t have the energy to feel dissatisfied any more.
I also cleared out my drawers, threw away much stuff, and found cards from years back that still bring a smile to my face.
(I also found two tubes of Vaseline lip gel, a dead bug, many foreign coins and scraps of paper with my writing on them.)
We should keep writing and sending cards and letters. SMSes and emails get deleted and forgotten, but handwritten stuff don’t.
Mum: “很cute hor? 以后我会买给我的孙子”
Me: “你会买真的Crocs 还是假的 Crocs?”
My back and shoulders have been aching for days and no amount of massage can relieve it. It’s a sign of my mental fatigue.
One can try to massage, to placate, but the problem will never go away because it’s not addressed from the roots. We’ll all feel better, but only for a while. Why lie to ourselves?
Do you think it’s going to go away just because you ignore its presence? You wouldn’t even tell me what you really feel. Why won’t you? We are not going to end up quarelling. Even if we do, I’ll be glad for having the chance to hear what you really feel.
There is nothing wrong with confronting our problems like adults. There is something wrong with taking a “don’t care don’t know don’t bother” stance with problems because you’re not going to get anywhere! The problem (心结 will be a better word) will haunt you for life – you shall know it when the time comes – and you do not learn and grow from problems.
For the years to come you can tell yourself you’re happy, but when they leave this world you shall have to face and live with the regrets – of not cherishing them when they were alive. Can you handle that?
No parents are born to know how to be good parents. Some never learn, but can we blame them? They tried their best. They may not have done the greatest things, but at least they made sure that you had a roof above your head, good food to eat, and a good education. You can compare them to other parents, but be fair – compare their children with yourself too. It takes two hands to clap.
I was (and am) very uncomfortable with what you did – and I wish you can tell me what you think about what I think.
Why are you running away? What good does it do? Are you truly happy and at ease?
I need a release and a closure – if only.