CNY 2012

doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon! In fact, it seems to be just starting for me.

Over the next two weeks, I will be attending six steamboat/dinner gatherings. I have a newfound respect for vegetarians who can maintain their composure amid the feasting, especially if they are dining with omnivores.

Now that I have a boyfriend, family elders and cousins have been asking about the wedding. I’m not in much of a hurry, as Pupsie has yet to start work and we are still unable to agree on what kind of flat to get. I want a 4-room, maximum 5-room, but he wants an Executive apartment. I am more inclined towards BTOs (the name doesn’t make any sense to me, btw) but he likes resale flats for their bigger size. Resale flats tend to be in better locations and are bigger, but I still prefer having more spare cash to save and spend. Oh well this is an oft repeated and never-ending debate. Too early to tell for now.

I feel quite paisay to be at the receiving end of angbaos at this age. Doesn’t feel very good taking cash from retirees and aunties who’ve already spent a lot on CNY food.

PM Lee’s call for more dragon babies baffles me. All the past calls for more babies have baffled me. I cannot comprehend how more babies or Singaporeans in the future would automatically lead to a better economy and less foreigners. What if they become a liability to society, which is a real possibility with some parents not prepared to raise kids? How many Singaporeans are willing to do jobs that the foreigners are doing now – build condos, wash dishes, make coffee, wait tables?

Stripping away all societal norms and family expectations, I realise I cannot think of a good reason to have kids. It could stem from my subconscious inadequacy and fear towards the Herculean task of raising them into sensible, compassionate human beings who will not piss the hell out of me. But I’ve spoken to some married people and they tell me you will know it when you know it.

Off to Pup’s house for dinner.

There is no closure

My back and shoulders have been aching for days and no amount of massage can relieve it. It’s a sign of my mental fatigue.

One can try to massage, to placate, but the problem will never go away because it’s not addressed from the roots. We’ll all feel better, but only for a while. Why lie to ourselves?

Do you think it’s going to go away just because you ignore its presence? You wouldn’t even tell me what you really feel. Why won’t you? We are not going to end up quarelling. Even if we do, I’ll be glad for having the chance to hear what you really feel.

There is nothing wrong with confronting our problems like adults. There is something wrong with taking a “don’t care don’t know don’t bother” stance with problems because you’re not going to get anywhere! The problem (心结 will be a better word) will haunt you for life – you shall know it when the time comes – and you do not learn and grow from problems.

For the years to come you can tell yourself you’re happy, but when they leave this world you shall have to face and live with the regrets – of not cherishing them when they were alive. Can you handle that?

No parents are born to know how to be good parents. Some never learn, but can we blame them? They tried their best. They may not have done the greatest things, but at least they made sure that you had a roof above your head, good food to eat, and a good education. You can compare them to other parents, but be fair – compare their children with yourself too. It takes two hands to clap.

I was (and am) very uncomfortable with what you did – and I wish you can tell me what you think about what I think.

 

Why are you running away? What good does it do? Are you truly happy and at ease?

I need a release and a closure – if only.

自由

妹妹刚考完试,一个人出发去搭火车,目的地柔佛。

今晚回来吗,我问。 “不知道”,她还挺潇洒呵。

“所以你今晚没回来,我们不用打电话给你,是不是?”

“我要是没回来,会打电话给你们。”

老爸昨晚表示抗议:“你找个男孩子陪你去,我才让你去。”

“跟一群人去,未必更安全好不好?” 妹妹一脸不屑。

我只是旁观者,心里虽然觉得一个女孩子搭火车去马来西亚很不安全,但也只抛下一句“你就让她去咯”,便离开房间。

孩子长大了,你奈何得了她。

父母的心,只有为人父母者才能体会。

你可以说:“如果真的要出事,走在马路上都可能被突然被车撞,不需要等到出国。”

我也曾经说过这样的话。两年前就为了所谓的“自由”,先斩后奏的买了去台湾的机票。

菩萨保佑,我一路遇贵人,毫发无损,还玩的很开心。

现在的我, 想法有点不同了。

不顾父母的担忧,执意我行我素,追求所谓的“自由”,是不负责任的。

不屑的说出“要出事,随时都可能出事”这样的话,看似很豪爽,其实是很幼稚的。

因为要是真的出事,我们是无法做出任何弥补的。

留下父母为我们的一时任性,一辈子受罪,你忍心吗?

所以本来打算去曼谷,清迈,槟城的我和Puppy,因为泰国即将发生暴乱,也不去了。

只要家人放心,去哪里都是自由的。

Despite the fact that I woke up at 11am

I am so productive!!

Who says freelancers cannot be productive? Huh!

I’ve washed the dishes, hung out the clothes, translated publicity text, edited a proposal and cleared email – without getting distracted!! No wonder my shoulders ache now.

My gosh I am so proud of myself.

I am soo excited about the weekend! CNY is so not over and I’m gonna spend it with some of my favourite people hohoho

Saturday:
Breakfast with sai sai, fang and Camy! It’s been so long!
3pm gathering at PK’s house; just found out that I’m helping with the film selection for the 2012 Buddhist Film Festival and this is a committee gathering of sorts
6pm dinner with Hanyuan, Jalyn, Cell, my sis and Renee!
8.30pm watch 红玫瑰与白玫瑰 with them

Sunday:
Steamboat at Niki’s house with 姐姐妹妹们
大世界 with puppy, his mom, sis and her bf!

好忙啊!!!

 

女人不易做

Finally reunited with my Faye Wong CD after 8 years. I spent the past 8 years trying to get a replacement, but it was out of print. Was convinced that good things  come by only once, and once lost it never returns. Proven wrong!

Parents’ inability to live with each other’s habits convince me that cohabitation (without sex) before marriage might be useful. Singlehood dont sound too bad an option either. Mum thinks cohabitation without sex is impossible. I agree. :X  But we should have more faith in morality sometimes. Ha.

Isn’t it sad when you realise, half your life gone, that you don’t actually derive much happiness in marriage? And because of the kids, the house, the joint savings account, the things others say, you can’t turn back. You can’t opt out. Too much is at stake.

Does marriage necessarily signify the death of love? Sometimes I am compelled to believe that. And the fact that women are expected to shoulder most domestic responsibilities even when they work full-times makes me sick. I saw this lady on the bus and she was lugging a laptop bag, her handbag and bagfuls of groceries while looking considerably glam at the same time. She looked well groomed, but wore a slightly tired looking face. And I’m inclined to believe she’s this superwoman model of a working mum because she’s obliged to: bound by her marriage and kids, not that she wants to be like this.

Quite a heavy entry today… but all is not lost because men who see the need and are willing to share domestic responsibilities with their wives still exist!  Endangered, but not extinct. My mum waxes lyrical about her colleagues’ husbands everyday because they belong to this elite species while my father, sadly, doesn’t.

Sometimes I think I’m spoilt rotten by my parents.

My papa has enthusiastically stashed several NTUC recycling bags in our luggage so he could “help carry my shopping”.

And he pays for all the shopping too….

My mummy says she’ll treat me to Ah Mei’s concert because I’m “not earning any money”.

Aww i love them to bits.

告诉自己, 要惜福啊。