Surprised that I can still feel sorry for myself

Advertisements

when the mind’s idle

…it goes online shopping.

***bimbo line coming***

can somebody please invite me to a wedding so i can 名正言顺地 buy this dress that i just fell in love with?

 

I know the world’s so big and I’m so small…

but i really wish to rant (aka magnify my minuscule, insignificant problems 1000 times even when I know this is a waste of whatever little time i have left):

  1. It’s so tiring having to console others and give them advice when I need help myself. I feel like I’m imposing on others if I whine to them. And I dont give good advice at all…. my life experience is too shallow. I am 泥菩萨过江,自身难保!! I might appear mature/independent/strong, but i am not infallible okay! I have my vulnerable side too.. *sob*
  2. 有谁能够聆听 + 听懂我的烦恼呢? 我是不是应该把烦恼一并深埋在心,让它自生自灭就好。这样,谁都不会被打扰。。。 我外表坚强,可是偶尔也需要一个能依靠的肩膀,让我停下来靠靠。
  3. Is there a need to keep secrets for those who trivialise yours? My friends dished them out like party bonbons (at a party, no less) and I felt I should be angry at them, even though the “secret” was really something they constructed out of nothing. I still am keeping secrets and giving free counselling to them at the point of writing this. (I really should charge friends who seek advice from me! It should be quite lucrative.) They said sorry but what’s the use? Am I being oversensitive?
  4. I HAVE AN EXAM PLUS ASSIGNMENT DEADLINE ON SATURDAY BUT I HAVE HARDLY STARTED WORK. What was I doing for the past few weeks?! I am bledy, bledy screwed……

[EDIT] In order to balance out this post of bad vibes, a list of things I’m grateful for:

  1. my 孩子缘。 A cute little girl saw a balloon lying around at Pasir Ris interchange and she picked it up to give me! She must’ve thought it was mine. Aww so cute. And my neighbour’s kid suddenly seemed friendlier to me on that same day.
  2. wonderful friends like Linda. LOVE YOU TO BITS! Hope you enjoyed your birthday party! I enjoyed myself, save for the kenna teased bit, bleh. Hope you like the guestbook we did!
  3. Dicky and Wa.. thanks for remembering me while you were in the U.S.! I’ll try to use your *ahem* presents…..

Somebody stole my rose-coloured glasses.

I am always thinking the worst of everything. Before I returned the rented VCDs to VideoEzy days ago, I imagined with great indignation how the staff would refuse to exchange my faulty Forrest Gump (it played like a mime) for a working one. Would they believe my story? Would they put the blame on my player? I mentally formulated my replies, edited them ten times over so they would be foolproof, and carefully measured out the tone and expression I would use in order to look formidable.

I stomped into the shop, produced the fateful box, and said curtly with a sideways frown: “I am not able to play this.” I was almost trembling with excitement to recite my well-rehearsed lines in a voice loud enough for other customers to hear. I would give a long-overdue lecture on how unfair it was to consumers who can’t exchange a faulty VCD. Were they supposed to resign to their miserable fates? Were they expected to suffer in silence? I know my rights! Standing tall with hands akimbo, I would uphold justice for all the long-suffering consumers in Singapore.

The bespectacled man cast a cursory glance at the box I clutched oh so tightly in my hands and muttered his well-rehearsed lines quietly, “I’m sorry we don’t have another copy of this title. You can exchange it for another title, though.” I could go weak in my knees in shame. Weren’t they supposed to ask me 20 questions before saying no? Stumped for words, I snooped around the shelves; brows furrowed in mock urgency, and finally scurried away with Pan’s Labyrinth.

Today I got a missed call and text message from someone I interviewed for an article. He asked me to call him once I return to Singapore.  I read the message while shopping in the behemoth Platinum Fashion Mall, and I started to feel queasy. The mad array of clothes screaming at me from all directions already made me giddy, and this was the last straw.

He was going to interrogate me on why I paraded that controversial sentence he said at the very first paragraph of my story. He’d ask if I knew my journalistic ethics, and if I knew the grave repercussions that portentous sentence might bring. I must brace myself to receive his lawyer’s letter. My palms went cold and my stomach churned. I was in no mood to shop and floated around the mall like a weightless ghost. Not wanting my mother to worry, I blamed the strong air-conditioning for my icy palms.

I get home. With unprecedented dread and trepidation I telephone him, deliberately closing my room door so nobody could overhear the scandalous conversation.

It transpired that he wanted the contact details of the magazine so he could send in publicity material. My eyes nearly watered with relief.

I wonder where the problem lies. Is it me, or is it the world? How do I stop suspecting the motives of others? I think I have sufficient grounds to suspect that my rose-coloured glasses were stolen by shady characters out to ruin my life.

上完课了,今天是最后一天... 早上出门忘了带thumbdrive, 仓皇地赶回去拿,结果迟到。也不知道为什么竟然笨到把 powerpoint 存为Office 2007版本,普通电脑根本开不了。到了学校便到处问人有没有Office 2007,几惨一下。本来为 presentation 打好的腹稿都灰飞烟灭了, 幸好有Greg 的电脑在, 不然我就功亏一篑了。

演话剧那天也一样, 百密一疏。 带了mp3player 却没带cable!!! 啊我几时变得那么糊涂?

为了powerpoint几乎都处于紧张状态, 也终于对那些不为自己的学习负责任的人失去耐心。迟到、自行延长休息时间也就算了, 结果什么都不懂,还要我从头到尾讲一遍,实在荒唐。我可不是吃饱饭没事坐在那儿等你提问题的人!又不是3岁小孩子, 根本没有借口。所以我没为我不耐烦的语气感到内疚。

我真的不是一个喜欢别人过度依赖我的人。

是自私?还是我太独立了? 独立得一点也不可爱,也奢望别人跟我一样。我从小到大都是这样,自己能办到的事,绝对不会假手他人。虽然搞到自己有点“因硬撑而狼狈”, 我还是费解为什么“麻烦别人”这个概念对那些人来说是家常便饭。

。。。

Be off to Malacca tomorrow. For fun. I wonder how I can stay vegetarian at a food paradise like that.

Slouching back

I’m back, although the backspacing still pervades, with incomplete sentences hanging in the air.

The 三个女人一个巴刹 theory holds no water when Eric aka 贱骨头 is around, because he constitutes 一个巴刹。His desperate attempts to break the pregnant silence by initiating conversations with Chyork and I were conveniently ignored. My temples throbbed  with pain while my throat burned in agony- but 贱骨头 never displayed any concern for his self-sacrificing friends who trekked down Orchard Road with him despite the scorching heat. So disappointed! Why did I even bother harbouring hope? Sigh.

可以想也不用想地畅所欲言 将是象征我真正回来的一个征兆

我还是有点‘回不来’ 像驱魔不够彻底 昏沉沉

再没有什么让我惊艳的了 什么都抓不住 太多画面捕捉不了

不试图去描绘这些混杂的情绪 我可能会好过些

就让它们随时间化开 不留痕迹 云淡风清 不是更好

不想面对的人频频出现 我恨不得一头撞死

逼不得已说些敷衍的话 挤出笑容希望有谁能够飞下来救我

为了证明自己其实还是有血有肉的人 找了个人来喜欢

有过一面之缘 读了他的blog 觉得他对自己很坦白 不矫情

似乎也很深情 认真 深情的男人都很有吸引力

虽然我没想过要去占有

纯粹想寻回那种喜欢人的感觉

找回失去已久的心跳

可惜感觉只维持了几个小时 睡醒后便不了了之

Buay paisay meh!

– blabber about why we he put off getting xx’s present –

Miss Poh   says:
tsk. how cld u. i tot hes ur gd fren.
[eR|c] says:
maybe cos we’ve come to an age where presents are not impt

– blah blah blah –

[eR|c] says:
i awnt those adidas jacket
[eR|c] says:
can use for lecture
[eR|c] says:
thanks ar